I'm probably wrong

  I'm sure this is not how you are supposed to start off without sounding like a prick but here are the thoughts if you're curious. I went on a date recently; I would like you to keep in mind that I was married for 19 years, and I am still waiting for him to sign the papers. Anyway, I went on a date, and I've been on some before but this .... well, I really liked the guy through texting, and this was our first meet-up.  I have never felt such a disconnect at a first meeting. by all rights, I should have felt an urge and a passion for this man, but it all fell flat. I love intelligence in a man, but I do not enjoy hearing the tone of I am better because of where I am currently. He did nothing wrong great guy but the first word was meh in my head. It wasn't just me he didn't feel the pull too and yeah, we had a friendly vibe but that's all, and I couldn't be more disappointed. Grrrrr I hate dating now and when I was teen. I don't know how to converse or how to just relax.

Just How ?

 Where do I begin?

 Let me start with that it has been a very, very long time since I have journaled in any form. It's sort of comforting and sort of not. I am 38 now the last time I've written open and honestly has to be when I was 17.

 This is just something for me too air out my thoughts and see if I am alone or not in my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I am hoping to also jog my memories of times long past. To evaluate how I got from there to here. Somethings are not easy to remember but it feels like something that needs to be done for myself. Especially after starting therapy things feel more vital to try to observe how my brain works, it has always felt ...off. I remember having moment of feeling like I was insane because things around me just didn't make sense, like is this who I really am. Do I even like the way this person thinks? Am I even happy?

 To answer all that yes, I was little crazy but did not know why and also no I wasn't completely out of my mind. I was just so use to following along with my husband at the time that I just completely forgot who I was even all the seemingly negative parts. I truly cherish those parts these days I regret for waiting so long to give them credit they deserve, damn the confidence that comes from excepting your flaws is freeing. Sometimes you'll find that what you thought was a flaw is your greatest attribute.